"Here's the thing you need to learn from the martyrs...

They did it the hard way. That's what I'm asking of you."

My life has been pretty entertaining as of late. And pretty heartbreaking. And sometimes just plain annoying. I've had to make some pretty tough choices. Not incredibly tough, as I and many others have had to make previously, but still, not choices I want to make again. Some choices that I'm left asking myself, was there another way to solve this? Was it a mistake? Am I being selfish? Am I not forgiving enough? Am I being too forgiving? I feel like I've planted seeds and then made the seemingly unforgivable choice to walk away. But I've considered every other avenue available. And none of them seem feasible. I'm left with these haunting feelings sometimes. And I still wonder if the "hard choice" was really the right one in these cases. What happens if its not the right choice, but just that I was too afraid? I want to ask someone, but I'm too afraid to admit what I might be considering...

Why does life seem so hard sometimes? It seems the older I get the harder some things seem. When you're young everything seems so clear cut and simple. Why does everything turn to gray as we get older? I long for the simplicity of youth. Of knowing what I could and couldn't do. Of knowing what I should and shouldn't do. I feel so lost sometimes. I look around at everyone else and wonder how they know what to do. More like, I wonder if I'm too strict while everyone else seems so lax about life. Maybe I've forgotten my purpose here? But I feel like my purpose is still the same as it ever was. But the world has changed... somewhere along the line, while I wasn't watching, everything changed. I still think I know what I'm supposed to do. What is the "right" thing to do, but everyone else seems to think I'm overly conservative. Am I? Am I hiding behind rules and order? Do I need to let go a little? While I do know that I can let go of a lot of things I'm hanging onto, there are a few things that I just can't. I sometimes feel sick just thinking about it. But at the same time, I want what I'm not willing to let myself have yet. I want to be like everyone else and just slack off. To just let go. But then I feel like I hear the word of God telling me, "Yes. That's the easy way out. That's what everyone else is doing. Is this the extent of your heart? Of your will? Of your life? To just be like everyone else? Is that enough for you?" And then I think: "Thanks God. Martyrdom was exactly what I wanted."