Hello everyone. Its been a while since I have posted and since I have contacted any of you. Life has gotten a little more complicated as of late, and I still don't know how I feel about it all.
I wanted to tell everyone in person what's going on, but since that's not really possible and I seem to be the worst person in phone conversations ever, I have decided to tell whoever still checks this thing. Its mostly just a way for me to discuss something that I can't discuss with anyone (and later, I will explain why I can't tell other people).
I have made the decision to go back to Korea. Its a hard decision, and some people might think it as odd. But its been on ongoing struggle for me, my entire life. Not just going back to Korea. But who I am fundamentally. Striving against the culture I live in to exist as who I am. So far, I have not done the best at it. I had always viewed my internal struggle as something I just had to "deal" with. But I am not making progress in life. I am not doing well. I don't know what compelled me to start this search for identity. I don't know why it seems like the right answer. I don't know really anything, except I feel like this is what I have to do. I'm not going anytime soon - airfare is expensive as well as anything else, but its something I am planning on doing, something I am saving my pennies for. But its something that I think will allow my life to make sense. Its a start.
I have begun to explore myself, my feelings, my world. Its all so complicated, its hard to sort out. My hope, is that this blog will help me express in words, things that I have strived to deny throughout my life. Perhaps it will help someone else too.
"Do you know what innocence is?... it's more than an absence of guilt. It's having faith that there's goodness in the face of cruelty and pain." JOA 219
Friday, April 29, 2011
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Ugh, Jodi. I totally had a great comment written and then it failed to post. So, I am going to do my best to recreate it, but know that the first one was probably better :)
Holy crap! Korea. Hopefully this will help you figure out some things you've been trying to work through. I think that identity is definitely something to be struggled with, and that more people should probably do it (especially if they're honest with themselves). I actually think that this is an exciting, though scary, time for you. I don't think we really live or really know ourselves until we wrestle with these sorts of issues. I hope that you find light in this process and going to Korea and all that comes before and after it will help elucidate who you are, who God is calling you to be, and thus what comes next in your life. And, I hope you find strength and peace in the fact that you feel so strongly compelled to do this. Sometimes when we are consumed with an idea, when we can't help but think of some next step or process, it is an indication that we are doing the right thing.
Thoughts, prayers, and love for you as you embark on this wondrous journey. Peace and love, Katie
P.S. Your blog is on my reader! So, provided I actually check my reader, I'll be all over your posts, so definitely keep updating as you get the chance :)
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