I've been thinking of all the facades we carry along with us everyday. Does it make anyone else tired? I work in a "customer service" industry at the moment, and that, as everyone knows, depends upon one's ability to put personal issues aside. I've very proficient at that. I know how to do that. But sometimes I guess I get slightly annoyed that people always say "how are you?" when they really couldn't care less. What would they say if I told them the truth? What could they say? Did you ever notice how much of our day relies on our ability to lock away pain and sorrow and put on a facade so that everything will go smoothly? Even people who might actually care, never really mean it when they ask how you are. Anything other than, "Fine" or "Well" or something similar get an automatic "What do want me to do about it? Why are you telling me?" response, not outright of course, but their face always says it. I'm not just talking about customer service either. I understand the need there. Its polite to inquire and its also polite to say exactly what they want to hear. I don't know what to say to those customers that speak their mind either. But with other relationships. People you see on a relatively regular basis.
I grew up with the understanding that my problems are my own problems. But is this really the truth? Is this really how things are? If it is, then I don't know how I plan to get along. But I'm truly hoping its not. That its just me trying to be stoic. Because sometimes, certain things seem so overwhelming sometimes that, I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I really want a shoulder to cry on, literally. I feel so weak, all I can do is sink into a dark corner and cry. When I was little, I decided that the world I was living in, wasn't the world I wanted to be in and that I wanted to live to create the world that I wanted. I want to be there for others, be the supportive and caring friend I always wanted. I know I'm not a perfect friend, but for as long as I'm alive, I can try, right? I always try to tell myself little white lies: I'm fine, I can make it, I don't really care what they think, I'm not hurt by this, I'm not afraid, and it goes on. I don't want to burden others with my problems. Everyone already has so many, so much pain, that I don't feel I have the right to give them my pain. I mean, I know its counter intuitive to what I just said about friends taking on each others' burdens, but I guess that's where the hitch comes in for me. I'm afraid. My own burdens seem so complicated, yet so simple, something too trivial to show someone else, too dark to allow someone to know. I've never been able to fully trust someone. Is that normal? I've never been able to talk freely about myself to someone else. There's always this wall and I keep banging into it. I don't know why either really. Its illogical and maddening quite frankly. Even if I logically think through it and want to tell them, its kinda involuntary. The walls come up and the echo is heard, "What would they really think if they knew?"
The Last Night by Skillet
You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
(female voice)I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine (/female voice)
But I know it's a lie
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you
They don't know you at all
(female voice)I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine(/female voice)
But I know it's a lie
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
The last night away from me
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand
I will help you hold on
Tonight, tonight
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me
"Do you know what innocence is?... it's more than an absence of guilt. It's having faith that there's goodness in the face of cruelty and pain." JOA 219
Sunday, January 11, 2009
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1 comment:
for what it's worth, you're not alone. i don't open up to others either - i used to see a shrink and one time he said, with a note of mild shock (like he just realized) "you don't trust anyone. do you?" i immediately replied "why should i?" didn't miss a beat.
it is true that we all have pain but i have noticed that, if you can enter into someone else's pain with them, or if someone else enters into your pain with you, it's not so bad. at least for a little while. i think this is why Christians are commanded to "mourn with those who mourn" - it's a messy, miserable, heart-wrenching and rewarding business; there aren't easy answers - most often there are no answers at all, and issues don't go away often for a long time of working at them. but it is this principle of confession that "is good for the soul." or so i hear.
but don't do what i do and that is practice this unwisely; i tend to go to extremes - either i wall myself off and share nothing of myself with anyone or i just fully open up to some poor schmuck and scare the poor guy/girl off and probably burden them with what i'm dealing with. i think the best way to go is to identify someone in your life you are willing to invest in. i mean intentionally invest in. spend time, bring up tough topics, sacrifice for this person (as long as this doesn't become an abusive friendship and they are giving in turn as well) and this person can become your confessor.
don't go it alone. we were never meant to go it alone (speaking to myself as much as you here).
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